Confessions of Pain

It is confession time.

On January 23, 2009 my back went out.  I was sitting in my old bedroom at my parents' house and I just couldn't get up.  My father had to come home from work to help with my children and I had to delay my trip home to Raleigh by a day.  An MRI discovered Degenerative Disc Disease (basically a disc depleted of all fluid), probably caused by a soccer injury in my youth (remember I played for 11 years competitively).  But physical therapy proved the pain spanned most of my lower back and hips and showed numbness in my feet.

A few months later the pain in my neck was almost unbearable and we began working on that.  We figured it was due to any postural changes I was making to compensate for the back pain.  Then the migraines started.  When I say started I mean started daily.  I have had migraines once or twice a year since high school, but this was different.  In September I had a migraine cycle for two weeks we couldn't break.  The pain was like fingers spreading around my head and squeezing.  I am now on a daily migraine prevention medicine with some extra migraine killers should the need arise, which it does quite regularly.

In early November I injured my left knee.  Or so I thought.  In high school I messed up my miniscus (thank you soccer) and had surgery on the offending knee, so we assumed this was coming back to haunt me.  We also assumed I was having a string of bad luck and it would all end soon.  At least, we hoped it would.  Another MRI showed nothing wrong with my knee but the doctor prescribed physical therapy anyway and I followed like a good patient.  The therapist worked diligently but could not pinpoint an exact location of pain.

In late November, my left elbow began screaming.  I did not tell anyone.  Would you have?  I was scared I was going crazy.  I was scared I had bone cancer.  I was scared I was a hypochondriac or, worse, had some form of Munchausen.

The week of Christmas the migraines returned in full force.  I blew it off as holiday stress and kept on going.  But they kept on going as well.  After two weeks of daily migraines I knew something was wrong.  I finally googled the oddest of my issues, still without telling anyone, and came up with a few options.

On Tuesday of this week I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  This is a chronic pain disorder that is not life-shortening, but is life-altering.  Already the pain has taken to my left ankle and the fatigue is almost overwhelming.  The worst part is the sensitivity.  When my children jump on me I have to keep from flinching because my joints are so tender.  I love them so much and it hurts to even react to them in this way.  It is not the physical pain that hurts me the most - it is my reaction to them that kills me emotionally.

This is not something that will get worse with time.  However, I am still in the early onset and diagnosis stage, so I don't know where it will stop before it becomes manageable.  I am taking it by the horns!  Yoga, acupuncture and other treatments are all in my present and future.  I have many things in my corner - my amazing husband, my supportive parents, sister and in-laws.  But I also have a few things against me - I am nine hours away from any family, limited as to childcare options and racked with guilt when it comes to just sticking my kids in daycare (not much different than the choices most mothers face).

What do I need?  Just your support.  I am hoping that, through the healthy diet prescribed, the yoga and the awareness of my body, this could be my healthiest year yet!  But it will also be a long road.  It will be a painful one.  And I am aware of that.  But it will be a long one, no shorter because of fibromyalgia.  And for that I am thankful.